And the voices that implore, ‘You should be doing more’

To you I can admit - I'm the biggest imposter. (Thanks for being a subscriber)

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

I have severe writer’s block in most areas of my life right now. Writing for fun and for assignments? Can’t do it. Writing for work pitches? I have been staring at a blank screen for days, as deadline day looms. Writing for Story Telling Lab this afternoon? nada.

It turns out, getting a little bit excited about one thing happening… can really flat line the creative process. You would think that those sparks of encouragement would spur you on. But unfortunately I am instead paralysed in indecision, imposter syndrome and sheer terror. It doesn’t feel fun right now. It feels like a success or fail, based on my performance from here on out.

I submitted a draft of some writing I have been working on to someone I had expected to give me the “give up now” standard rejection email. It was a whim, sent at 8pm on the day of their application deadline. I have been writing for fun at the guidance of

Bonnie Garvin

since lockdown and really enjoying it. It isn’t “real”, in that barely anyone beyond the safety of class has read it, and I haven’t pushed myself (outside of being brave enough to post these Substacks on the World Wide Web again) to seek any sort of assurance about the quality of my writing, because it has only been for the joy of creating something. It really has been about the process and I have enjoyed that. So there wasn’t much riding on whether the clever people at the big British Institution liked my writing because I knew I was writing for the fun and the joy.. not the acclaim or recognition.

Instead, the opposite happened, and when I replied to their invitation to join a prestigious, exclusive writing programme next year my imposter was showing a little too plainly. Imagine getting an acceptance letter to something you could not imagine ever happening, something you dreamed about when you were a kid and most years since, but put away because that is the way too scary dream… and your reply back to them is “REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? DO YOU SAY THIS TO EVERYBODY?”

Their response? “This is real. We say no to a lot more people than we say yes to. You should take the ego boost”. They added a smiley emoji for good measure and my heart stopped beating.

I have been grateful in my job not to suffer imposter syndrome often. I think that comes from staying stuck in one role a few years too long. I know I can do it well. So, this feeling is new to me. Despite this being an exciting proposition I am stuck in panic mode and even with all the tools available to me, and the big poster on my kitchen wall that tells me I am NOT an imposter, this is for real… I am absolutely petrified of being given an opportunity that I could totally balls up. (I never use that phrase, but I think its poetic to have a negative male phrase once in a while. Can’t think of many others!)

I am writing this here, to you, because I have five other tabs open on my computer right now where I am not writing, where I am expected to show up (either because I am paid to write for them, or I am paying them to help me improve my storytelling). But here I am on what feels like a throw back to my doomed blogs of the noughties. In truth, I should probably grab my actual hard backed journal and pen, and get my feelings out there… but instead here I am, doing the one thing I swore I wouldn’t do on the internet again… getting vulnerable with my words and emotions.

This is only going out to my email subscribers, so if you are reading this, thank you. I appreciate that at some point (either for encouragement, cajoling or kindness?) you have subscribed to reading my words on the internet. And so I am showing up here, as a way of reminding myself I CAN write, and that all of this is meant to be fun.

My assignment for this week at Storytelling Lab is about the smaller set backs that make the journey more interesting. Here’s to shaking off the imposter syndrome, doing it afraid… and maybe one day being a real life Author?

Currently reading:

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin.

Currently watching:

Only Murders in the Building - Disney +

The Detectives: Taking Down an OCG (INCREDIBLE) - iPlayer